v13.3 - All good things...

... must come to an end.

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Good morning folks,

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This is a very difficult musing for me to write. I often sit and wonder where I'm going and think about where I've been. What is around the next bend? Who knows.

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I've stated on numerous occasions how life can throw some pretty wicked curve balls. One such curve ball was thrown today. I'm struggling, I'm torn and I sometimes feel like there is no chance for recovery. I won't go into the intimate details as they are private and not for public consumption.

Life isn't easy. Growing up, I couldn't understand why my parents made life look so hard. I was a child, I did childish things. I woke up, ate breakfast, played, ate lunch, played, ate supper, played and went to bed. Never did I take the time to consider where the food came from, where the lights in our house came from, where the house itself came from. I didn't think about money except when I got my allowance and went to the corner store to blow it all on candy. I wasn't taught the value of a dollar, I was taught to save my money and not to spend it all. I knew my partents had something called bills and for some reason this caused them a lot of strain and pain. I remember seeing other kids my age with lots of cool toys and things and wondered why I couldn't have those things too.

Of course this isn't about lack money, this is about understanding money. I'm not broke, I'm not hurting for cash, I'm not going to have my power cut off or my internet shut off. We are doing ok for money. The problem isn't to do with money at all, but has everything to do with the thing called money. Confused yet? So am I.

I wouldn't consider my children spoiled. I do recognize that I spend way too much money on them in any given year. They are my kids and I will buy them things when I can (or want). I will supply them with the necessities of life like food, heat, cloths, shoes, school supplies, etc. I will also buy my kids things they don't need like toy guns, barbi dolls, stuffed animals, video games and whatever else tickles their fancy. My parents did the same for me, even when it stretched their budgets to the limit, they always provided for us and then some. People are only children for a short time and my kids aren't getting any younger. Their wants and desires change daily and their needs constantly alter. My son is going through a growth spurt right now. He eats and eats and eats because he is constantly growing. My daughter doesn't eat nearly as much, but that will change in about a year when she hits her growth spurt and begins to turn from a toddler child to a full blown kid. I love my kids more than anything and will do anything for them.

My wife, the love of my life, is in the same boat. While not quite to the extent as my children, she is still above myself and I would do anything for her. Being happy in life is one of the most important things people can ask for. We all can't be happy all the time but it is my job to ensure my family is as happy as possible under the circumstances.

You see, people have this thing called feelings. I have been so wound up in my own self lately I have been ignoring the most important feelings in my life; those of my family. I have been so self involved I haven't had a chance to sit down and see how my family is feeling or acting. I guess you could say I've been a bit selfish recently and I haven't been the father/husband I should be. My families happiness should be number one in my life and that will be my focus from here on; regardless of what it costs me or does to me.

As soon as you help create a new life, you are bound with responsiblity for that new life. That new life has the potential to be anything in this world and it is your responsibility to mold and shape that life to be the best they can possibly be. I recently learned that a friend of mine is expecting a new child in his life. This is their first child and I can only imagine how happy and scared he must be. I remember when I first found out I was to be a dad. I have no advice for this person as each life is different. Parenting is something that can be taught to someone; parenting is an experience and life lesson. You get one chance at being a parent and you pretty much have to wing it. For a new parent, the best example of parenting they have is the one they had as a child. I won't go so far and say if you had a bad childhood you'll be a bad parent, but I'm a firm believer that the first 5 years of a child's life with shape them into the person they will be for the rest of their lives. Yes people CAN change and just because you had a shitty childhood doesn't mean you'll be a shitty parent. I had a childhood full of love. My parents loved me and my sisters a great deal and they continue to show that love even today. The kind of love a parent SHOULD have toward their child (children). If I can do one thing as a parent, I want to make sure my children feel loved and KNOW I love them with all my heart. If I can get that through to them and they can take that with them into the world, then I've done a good job.

Of course, I've deviated a bit from my origional topic. All good things must come to an end...

"ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END - There is an end to everything, to good things as well. The proverb dates back to about 1374 (Chaucer). First attested in the United States around 1680. The word 'good' was added much later. 'Everything has an end' and 'Everything comes to an end' are variants of the proverb." From "Random House Dictionary of Popular Proverbs and Sayings by Gregory Y. Titelman (Random House, New York, 1996).

You folks have stood by me over the last year and a bit and read my musings, provided feedback and have gained a better understanding of the person that is Me. I think if you go back and read a few of my musings you'll find out fairly quickly I'm not perfect, nor do I strive to BE perfect. I am a young man at the ripe age of 29 (lol) who is trying to express his feelings, thoughts and ideas through writing. The origional reason I started musing was to improve my writing style and develop better grammer and spelling. I'm still a long way away from getting there, but I would have to say I've improved over the last year.

Musing is my outlet. It is my window of opportunity to publish my writings on the this thing called the world wide web. The Musing is ME digitally reproduced in binary and pushed (somewhat hesitantly) to the internet for the world to see. I am a geek and I am a gamer. I don't use Windows unless I absolutley have to and I live, eat and breath in a UNIX command line when I work. This is me, this is who I am, this is the person my parents created, shaped and raised. Somewhere between the ages of 1 and 5 I was mysteriously shaped into this person. Life experiences have changed me along the way, but that first five years of my life is ultimatly the kind of person I am today. I'm most likely scaring the shit out of my parents right now, but fear not, ya dun good ma and pa.

Will my musings continue past v13.3? I honestly don't know. When you consider my origional plan for doing my musings is no longer an option for me, I really don't see the point. I enjoy writing, but I can do that anywhere anytime. I find my mood so dark lately that I'm depressing everyone who reads my musings. I've offended a lot of people and I've spoken about things that should have been kept in private. I have caused more issues and challenges and fights with these musings than I've created good. Overall, this whole Musing experience has been more of a writing deterant than anything. I don't feel comfortable sending my musings, I don't feel comfortable publishing my writings for fear of insulting someone, people reading double meanings in my text or for exposing something that should have been just left in private. I just don't have the balls to stand up for my writing when it isn't that great to stand up for.

Therefore, Musing over Coffee v13.3 could quite possibly be my last and final musing to you all. Maybe I'll come up with something else down the road. Maybe I'll pick this up again later on in life when I feel a little more confident in my writing abilities. Maybe I'm having s psychotic breakdown or some early middle life crisis and I just can't make up my own damn mind what I want to do in life. Some think I'm in depression and should go and see a doctor. I've read through a lot of documentation on depression and I can tell you, without a doubt in my mind, I am NOT in depression. I do not need meds, I don't need to see a councelor, I don't have to call a 1-800 number to talk to someone who cares. I'm just some guy who's real name could be Frank for all you know who has been delt a few bad hands and is trying to recover from it. I won't got into my sob story about my move across country and blah blah blah. Things like that are hard enough to deal with once, nevermind the fact I keep bringing it up over and over and beating myself up over it. It's DONE! How I proceed from here will be the defining moments of my life. But I've forgotten something yet again. Remember when I talked about being self involved and forgetting a major piece that is now ME? That's right, this is what I'm trying to deal with. I am no longer a single entity on the road of life, I am now an extension of a much larger and more important entity called Family. The decisions I make will ultimatly affect every other extension of this entity called Family. The hub of this entity is my wife and kids. From there it will branch off in different directions to siblings and their families, parents and their siblings and their families, grandparents and their siblings and their families. Of course now that these two branches of families have met, there are other entities tied into the puzzle. They are called in-laws (or outlaws as they are commonly referred to). There are also additions to the families usually starting with Step or Half (Step Brother or Half Brother).

All these pieces come together into one unit. There are literally dozens of people who will be affected by one change in any branch of the entity. Some changes are so large they will disrupt the entire fabric of the entity causing widespread changes throughout. We all affect each other whether we want to or not. I'm beginning to understand that I can't please everyone all the time. Unfortunatly, that isn't the way I like to operate. I hate making people upset or angry. I like everyone to be happy and everything to be harmonious amongst all. I can't do that anymore.

Well folks, it has been a fun ride and despite the hardships and troubles I may have caused, I've enjoyed spending these brief moments with you daily. I will keep the site up and running for those who want to check out my past musings. I've gone through and read them over and over and over. Sometimes I laugh out loud at some of the stuff I've written, other times I just hang my head wondering what the hell I was thinking. Life experiences; they can change you in many many ways.

Take care my friends, and since this is my final musing, I will end it like I ended my first.

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DAMMIT!

Ok guys, the coffee is gone and I didn't win a damn thing :) This concludes my last email Coffee Musing.

Cheers,
Al